Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
We’ve come full circle
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
decorating my apartment
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”