Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
synchronized noseblowing
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.