{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Very good news from my accountant
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.