Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: đ
My chameleon: đ
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This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My son said his friendâs parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly Iâm not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Pretty sure Iâve gotten as far as Iâm going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. âFourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!â
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My child who doesnât like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all Iâm saying is thank god this venue has wine.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying âmm thatâs fergaliciousâ after every bite
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next doorâs garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, Iâd like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If you see me out in public but we havenât spoken since high school letâs keep it that way.