Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
You Might Also Like
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.