My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Cake!!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.