fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
He a real one for that
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!