Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
And that about sums it up.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that