In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You Might Also Like
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I think this should do it.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.