nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Weirdly Wednesday.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
jesus, what did this guy do
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.