[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*updates tinder bio*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂