Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.