WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?