Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I think this cat is broken
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.