[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
This checks out
Me: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn鈥檛-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don鈥檛 give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you鈥檙e making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn鈥檛
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
馃惀馃悾
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
There are usually two types of merchants.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters