THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
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Breaking news:
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife鈥檚 pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I鈥檓 taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Banker: So, you鈥檇 like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I鈥檓 in.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream