The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle