Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
lmfao
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free