[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright