I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Thursday Thought.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.