Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret