Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You Might Also Like
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.