While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
You Might Also Like
What a kind woman! 😂😂
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable