They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
what are they serving at kfc then???
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Good point.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it