DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
â—Ź 1) Handsome
â—Ź 2) Lucky
â—Ź 3) Me
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Somebody’s lying.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.