If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“Huge”.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.