[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed