My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Smile they said.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.