[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Canada has crack?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag