I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
New Tinder profile.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny