Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
lol
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Wikigenius
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.