I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Wednesday
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short