Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
gentlemen, hear me out
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now