Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Sex so good you see dead people.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.