*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
every single time
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉