Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
This story is comedy gold 😂
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.