I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
You Might Also Like
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…