I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.