While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
eating my hot dog hamburger style
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
twitter is a journey
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.