can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”