My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Batman v Dracula
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board