A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching