Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I hope it’s French Onion!
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare