Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My neck, my back, my…
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
is nasa ok
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile