[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life