me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
You Might Also Like
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I鈥檝e put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I鈥檝e no idea if it鈥檚 getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Dolls on drugs
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: 锛凤讥 锛わ讥锛肌锛激 锛筹集锛碉及
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That鈥檒l bring you good luck!
8yo: I鈥檇 rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.