Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
That’s it.I’m out.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
c’mon!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE