Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”