“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]