Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Weighing up my bread heating options
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.